Chapter 21: Not so tough after all!

Nearly closing down the door on ever having Lia back, a final try couldn’t harm much.

The door that otherwise had no portal to let me get past it and get to Lia, showed me a ray of hope when she agreed to meet up for a few hours.

She, after a long session of ridiculing agreed to bunk the first few hours of college. But that too didn’t come without conditions. She should at no cost miss her seminar which was mandatory, apparently, to attend was the condition.

Beggars cannot be choosers. I readily agreed, and we met.

Not knowing that by the end of this day City hall would haunt me forever, we decided that it was the right place to meet up.

A mall still closed at quarter to nine in the morning? Now who would have thought of that!

To our luck, a hangout spot cum garden, right across the road was open. The vibrant flowers with their sweet smell early morning, plus no hustling of people made it a good place to make her listen to me.

“Lia, I love you. I can’t take this much hurt. I am sorry I made you go through so much. And you don’t need me. I however can’t imagine a day without you. You don’t like sitting behind? I’d never buy a bike for myself. I can love you, I can love only you Lia. I won’t say I can do anything for you. If you see, I am doing all I could, just so you notice me. Just so you love me.” I said, as soon as asked to speak up.

“Well, what’s the point Suraj? We were not good together. We ended this whole thing, simple. Don’t you think that was right?”

“No. I was on sedatives and made the worst decision of my life high on drugs. Please come back to me.” I said, nearly in tears now.

“Suraj, don’t do this to me please. I was there for you for as long as we could keep it together. After that it didn’t work out. Is that my fault now? Whatever happened had to happen.”

“No none of it was your fault baby. It was all mine. If not for the accident, none of this would have happened.”

“It’s not that. This would have happened sooner or later.” She said, holding my hand, trying hard I don’t choke on the tears.

“No, it wouldn’t have!”

“You’re still that stubborn” she said, moved by the faith.

“I’m still yours.”

“Sorry Suraj. This can’t happen.” She said, pushing back her thoughts which had started working in my stride.

“I can’t live without you Lia. I’d die in a matter of days. Don’t be this merciless” I said, sobbing now.

“No one dies without anybody Suraj. Better learn that fact soon.” She said, with her normal blunt tone.

“Is this because of Rohit?” I asked.

“Why are you dragging him into this? We’re not dating.” She said in anger.

“But he does like you.”

“He loves me.”

“That’s not love.”

“Then you don’t know what love is.”

Sorry? I don’t know what love is? I made a fool of myself in front of everyone and make a mockery of my life everyday still, with ideas to get you back. And this girl thinks I didn’t know what love is?

“Anyway, I want to get a clear head now. Rohit will be here in a few minutes. I’ll talk to him and tell him too that I can’t be with him.” She said, leaving me stunned.

“But I thought it’s just going to be both of us for the next few hours. And when did you tell him we are here?” I asked, very close to a panic attack.

“While you were talking I just sent him a text.” She said.

Smiling at my fate, I sat up straight, trying to come to terms with what had just happened.

“Anyway, he’s here. Let’s go.” She said, getting up and walking away, leaving me unnoticed.

Soon following her on the way out of the park and catching up with her, with a sinking heart, I could only tell her goodbye.

Near to ten in the morning, with roads hustling with bottleneck traffic, the huge City mall in the back ground seemed invisible, and the traffic seemed to disappear slowly in the dimming lights with the blatant noises fading away yet again, as I saw her crossing the road, going to a guy waiting for her next to his bike, whom now she held ahead of me.

In a matter of few minutes, they had now entered the mall. Stepping right on my heart, as pain gushed out in forms of inconsolable tears, she went in, with a guy who wasn’t me.

I wasn’t a possessive lover. Not then, and not now. If anything, I was needy.

Wondering what went so wrong, I sat there, in the same park, with the girl whom I referred to as angel setting all my hopes ablaze, sitting in the building that stood tall in front of my eyes.

Trying to lose myself in thoughts, it was a late realization indeed that love is the biggest oxymoron.

It was a tough task to gain back my composure, nonetheless vital. I had to be calm for just one reason. I still could not give up on Lia. Stupid… I know, but it’s not for no reason that they say love is blind.

Realizing that she would sooner or later be catching a bus to the local bus stop to get a connecting bus to her college, it only seemed fair to walk there and wait.

Turning and scanning every bus that passed, looking for her, something now smelled fishy. She wasn’t here. Scanning the whole station twice was enough proof that she hadn’t reached here yet.

“I have an important seminar Suraj. I cannot afford to miss it.” She had told me. Then what happened?

In a state of utmost anxiousness, I could not help but dial her number.

“Hello, Lia? Where are you? I thought you were supposed to attend a seminar today.” I said, breathless now, in a state of panic.

“Yeah, I am on my way to college. Suraj, I can’t hear you. I’ll let you know once I reach college.” She said, hoping I’d give up.

“But, I have been here past an hour or so. When did you get in the bus?” I asked, my hands shivering, and legs trembling, fearing of knowing the answer.

“Suraj, Rohit is dropping me to college on his bike.”

For two years you could not sit behind me. Not even for a few minutes, ‘because it felt wrong. Not that this was a big deal otherwise, but you never trusted me on this one. You chose to stick with your choice and I couldn’t say a word. You know why? Just because I never wanted to force you into doing anything that would wipe a smile from your face. I too wanted to show off the world I have someone holding me tight, sitting behind me. But I kept you higher than my wishes Lia. And this is what I get? Ten days that you both became close Lia, ten… fucking… days… and you threw it all away.

Not realizing she was still on call, waiting for me to speak, I sat there, on the road side. I looked ‘slightly disturbed’ of that I know, but that day, had anyone looked within me, they would have known what pain was.

By now she had cut the call, and I, realizing she was long gone, could only pick myself up and walk home.

A long walk back home was just to push myself into the solitude my heart was seeking now.

At this moment, no element such as ‘fun’ or ‘joy’ were a part of my life.

The power of mind is incredible, as I myself witnessed it today. With the focus solely on the heartache the need to be alone kept me from stopping anywhere, as I walked back home, tracing routes, unfazed by the views for the next five hours that followed.

Could this day be any worse? I wrongly questioned myself. Knowing that my luck had left my side like shadow in the darkness, I took my chances. A few hours later, wanting to know if Lia was in college now, I dialed her number.

“Hey, what happened to I’ll let you know once I reach college?” I asked as soft as I ever could.

“Oh, sorry I forgot.” She said.

Don’t kill me with words like this. I wanted her to know that her love was in pain. I wished she’d come right now and hug me, and all the pain would wash away in minutes with just her touch.

“I reached here and since I had already bunked half of the day, I didn’t feel like attending the seminar.” She went on.

“But I thought that your seminar was very important.” I said, exasperated by now.

“Yeah, but then Rohit told we could just hang out, so I gave the seminar a miss.”

Lia? I love you! I know I did wrong to you. But don’t you think I’ve had enough now? I don’t deserve this! With the pain reaching excruciating levels, I still had it in me to wish she was mine.

If only I had given up.

“Lia… please give me a chance. I would do anything for you.” I said.

“Suraj, okay let me tell you something. I know you love me. Way beyond any boundaries, but then, we both failed at it! And Rohit loves me as well. Let me think. I need time to choose between you and him.” She said, and it made me wonder if it was her, or someone possessed by a spirit. She was nothing like I had ever seen.

An option? That’s what I was now? An alternative? With words like self-respect taking a beating every day, this too sounded fair.

I didn’t know I wasn’t asking for love anymore. I was begging for a favor.