Chapter 17: Taking the Highway to hell...

Things that happened with Soundarya didn’t feel wrong, but yet we decided it was in the best interest of both the parties that this doesn’t happen again.And the things with Lia were now next to non-existent.Then why yet I missed her? This was one question that I always pondered upon. The answer was easy, but forbidden.

••

“Suraj, have you read the poem I asked you all to read and come my child?” asked Sister Roselyn, my 7^th grade English teacher.“Yes ma’am” I remember saying, continued with a good session of poetry recitation.“Very good. See class, that’s how you recite a poem.” She said, followed by a few more praises and compliments.I however was just waiting for her to take her books and leave the class at once, as the period had gotten over, and it was lunch break now.More so, because I knew it was the time for Adwita to come and stand near the window, looking at the sky, with not much visible from the fourth floor of the building except lush greenery that you could find only in this area of Delhi.Now mind you, this all happened in the early 2000s, when I was a school boy studying in a posh catholic school in the suburbs, invisible to the ‘cool’ school kids, and the same could be said for the teachers.Nevertheless, Sister left, and as expected, there she was, Adwita.To paint a word picture, she was every word you could possibly make using the twenty six alphabets of the language used here that would mean beautiful.White as marble, with a tinge of golden in her hair, I always did have a doubt that she would one day pull out her mask and unravel herself as an idol made by God’s own hands, using something which would be much shinier and sparkly than gold, but much more delicate, much more alluring, and simply priceless.Also, love was a dangerous territory then, as anyone who wandered there, and was caught by the loyal soldiers of the enemy, was brutally taken to the enemy’s chamber to meet the school principal.Adwita’s friends who seemed sweet now, seemed nothing short of irritating pests back then, as apparently it was too hard for them to leave her there by the window railings by herself!I would lose breath just watching her enter the class, and on the other hand, she had now begun to notice me looking at her, and every now and then, I was treated with a dessert of her smile. Me, or her group consisting of the cool dudes of the class, who had no qualms about complimenting her on her looks, sitting right behind me.I’d like to think it was me.Two years later, in midterm of ninth standard, due to bank transfers, dad brought all of us to the silicon city, and I was now a student in a highly reputed school in Bangalore. My love story was cut mid-way here…

••

Eight years later, at completely different stages in our lives, we still somehow managed to be friends.“Yep, I am single. That’s what you want to know, right? That sonofabitch cheated on me and I decided that forgiving him and giving him another chance for the tenth time is not going to help my cause” Adwita replied to my ‘hey how’s life’ message on Facebook.These social sites can do wonders in your life. The last one had gotten me my first ever girlfriend, and this one was close to showing me some miracles as well.“Ohkay, well for all you know, it might be for the best.” I said, not knowing if that was the best thing to tell, but playing a hunch.“I guess. Suraj, you remember three years back when we became close friends, you told me about some things that even I didn’t know about me? You know me so frigging well!Tell me what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I have someone who would just stay! I’m not asking for someone to jump in a room with flames bursting out or get me a dragon egg! I just want a guy to stay with me. Support my decisions!”“Well, I don’t know. You never seemed anything short of perfect to me, so it really doesn’t make sense to me why would anyone, who is in the first place lucky enough to have you, would not stick by you.”“You really don’t think I’m at fault?”“No, except that your special someone should not support all your decisions. Rather should make sure you cool down and rethink your decisions ‘cause I swear to God you can make some stupid ass decisions being the hot head that you are.”“I’m not sure if I am offended by that, but I guess you’re right. That I am! But then why can’t I find someone to help me rethink my decisions, rather than pull me down with his own?”“Maybe that’s because you are not with the right guy? Or never saw him dying to be there for you?”“Well, I guess I’ll have to look out now for such a person. Anyway that’s enough about me. How are you?” she said, with the dropped hints just zipping past, or over her. “Well, I’m not doing so great myself. Lia and I broke up a couple of months back, and since then all I’m doing is miss her, badly!”“Suraj! You are such a great guy! Why would anyone breakup with you?”“Says the ‘such a great girl’. How do I know? I guess it’s just fate.”“Yeah” Adwita said, with the disappointment not very well camouflaged.“Tell you what. I think we are truly the specimens whom these mortals can’t have. They feel too small to be with us.” I said, trying to put in a bit of flare in this depressing conversation.“You never fail at bringing a smile on my face, when my lips give up from trying to even fake a smile, you do it!” she replied.“Aren’t you glad having me in your life?” I said, trying to be cheesy, trying to make her smile yet again.“I really am.” Replied Adwita.With every passing day, we started coming closer and closer, and it wasn’t long before immensely long phone calls started being a daily routine.We both were going through a similar phase of our life, and when you meet someone who could empathize with your pain, and not just sympathize with it, you hold on to them, as tightly as you could.One such memorable occasion, when Adwita and I were busy with our normal conversations about day to day events, my phone buzzed, displaying “Lia Cell phone”.Till that moment I didn’t know how much I still missed her, but realized it when I forgot I was already talking to someone.“Hi… umm I guess you are busy” said Lia, making me realize I was too late in switching calls, she had gotten to know I was talking to someone else at 2 a.m.“Yeah, but it is okay, no one important.” I replied, with a thumping heart, which, if was any louder, could be heard over the phone!“Can I know who it was?” asked Lia, afraid to know the answer, but yet, curious.“Oh that? Yeah I was talking to Anubhav, you know, my friend?” I replied, of course not sounding convincing.“Oh, yeah Anubhav. Nice guy. So he called you up at 2 a.m. from Spain? Why do you do this Suraj? If you can’t lie, then don’t try. It’s hard to see you fail at it.”A heart shattered this night, and I was the reason for it. She cut the call, and I did not have the guts to call her back.All the calls from Adwita after that went to the voice mail, as I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to her, or anyone else for that matter.“I’m a horrible human being” I said, as I spoke to Adwita the next day.“Why would you think that? Whatever you told me, let me tell you this. You are trying to move on from a dead end relation. What’s wrong with that?”“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But still, I broke her heart. I hate myself for that.”“Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay, such things happen to every one of us.”She did say it was okay, but I knew it wasn’t. It never is ‘okay’ to break someone’s heart. That too of a person whom you held dear for so long.Nevertheless, Adwita was right about one thing sure.It was indeed a dead end relation. I just didn’t see it then.Such things hurt only and just because both of us still lived with a dangerous hope that someday… maybe one day…“Where have you been all my life?” asked Adwita, followed by a few kisses, over another one of those phone calls.“I have been literally there, by your side, all the time. You just friend zoned me pretty soon. So I never really had a shot” I said, trying to make a point.“Well… You have your shot now” she said, and hung up, waiting for my answer.I had been in that alley where expectations are a crime and disappointments are a punishment.Such one liners from a girl, you could have only dreamt of being with, continue to put the male kind in a fix.But there was no point, trying to get into a castle knowing you’d end up getting stuck in the dungeon instead!Adwita received no call from me, and no message either, but I was wrong. I was not the only one of the two of us who understood the other’s emotions. She did too.The day went to be pretty eventful to say the least.The apology which was kept on hold, was asked for, and very elegantly accepted by Lia, speaking over the phone for hours at a stretch.Talking to Soundarya who was now, after about twenty three days, excited, thinking about what had happened, was another feature of the day.And well, updating Adwita about the day as it proceeded was something that now happened daily, giving a whole new level to whatever kind of relationship we thought we were in.Lying to your partner, is good in certain cases, but I lacked the ability to do so. Not that I couldn’t lie. I am a natural when it comes to that. But, lying to the girl I was hoping to date in near future, was not something I could do. And we all know how that ends, when you tell a girl you were talking to your ex for about two hours straight.Well, after a rough night and a bitter morning, and an apology of course, she finally decided to let go of the topic, and yet again, we were together.“I need to talk to you Suraj. I did something wrong too.” She messaged and it surely had me thinking for a few moments.“Okay… what’s it about? All fine?”“Well, not really. You know my ex, Nishant, right?”“Well, yeah you’ve brought him up in discussions once or twice.”“He called me up today. Asked me to meet up.”“Okay, so you met him?”“Well, I gave it a nice long thought, and thought there’s no harm in meeting him. So yeah, I went to meet him”Yes, now what could go wrong? A girl meeting a guy, about whom she could go on for hours and hours at stretch. What could go wrong?“Okay, and…?” I replied, not sure if I wanted to know what followed.“Well, I went to meet him at his place. And his parents were not there, what a co-incidence!”My palace, which was in no time painted red with love, yellow with joy, and blue with faith, was being robbed of all by an enigmatic shadow, that seemed now to have been set free by the devil himself, to haunt me, leave me hollow every time hope rekindled a flame in my heart. My palace was now… Black. Absence of colors in life, or was it?“Co-incidentally? Yeah right. Anyway, so what happened then?”“Well, I sat in his drawing room for few minutes, but then my actions were involuntary, when he picked me up and took me to his bed room.”“You cheated on me before we could even be in a relationship. You did, right?”“Yes, I did. We had a make out session. After which he asked me to take care and said goodbye”What else were you expecting from him? Sweets? Cold drinks? Maybe to share a cigarette?“And I swear to God, I’m sorry about this. I will always be yours, and never leave your side no matter what happens!”I might never be able to delineate, but it hurt me a lot lesser than it should have. Than it was supposed to!I could never envisage a scenario, with anyone doing anything, solely for me, except from Lia.It’s not too hard to ‘forgive’ someone who doesn’t mean the world to you. But never once did the thought of splitting up with her crossed my mind. There were too many equations involved in it! The proportions, the mass, the characteristics graphs, the indices… And also, she was really… Really hot. And when none of the two are real serious about the situation, then what the hell? Go follow the path destiny has set for you!Every night that followed was equally interesting to say the least. Why else would a guy, at 2 a.m., go and sit on a porch, ruled by mosquitoes and all sorts of flying vampires?“I wish you were here… in Delhi. I wanna feel you over me, kissing me deeply, holding me tight, and touching every part of my body. Make me yours. Tell me when are you coming over? I really wanna meet you!” She said, replying to my question being ‘where all can I kiss you?’“Well, yes I could, very soon. But I am not sure about your intentions” I replied, cheesy yet again.“Isn’t it obvious? I want you to love me.”She said it, in a very subtle way though, but yes.Well, she was surely a dream, but not just mine. She could never be mine.

Chapter 16: The Claused road

Singing those Taylor Swift love songs was a thing of the past now. So was her getting a makeover in the mall and me joining her brother in laughing at her when what my heart did was skip a beat. These were things of past… sadly.

Chapter 15: Destined to love... doomed for sure!

Nightmares of a breaking relation were replaced now by dreams, and the love, if not blooming, was at least given a chance by the two of us.

But what is written, is inevitable.

It wasn’t too long before we realized we were trying too hard to mend something that was broken par repair.

Necessary as well as unnecessary aids, advices, assistance and support were pouring in, but well, a couple, madly in love was splitting up, and nothing, and no one could undo the damage done.

No fuss, no anger, no hatred, it was decided, from now we are just a couple of amazing friends, nothing more, but nothing less.

Of course it was stupid.

It was unsaid for a few days, but the we were cards of the same pack... we belonged together. Our imperfections, compensated by the other

Tries to save a dying relationship turned into desperate attempts, as its heart and soul were now diminished by the second. The relation died long back. Reason for dragging its carcass for this long was to not willing to give up on each other so easily. We had seen in each other what love is... how could we give that up?

Soon enough we realized we were doing nothing, but just digging a deeper pit for us, coming out of which, would be nothing less than impossible.

••

“What are we doing? We are not even going out anymore!” said Lia, dressing up.

“I know. But I feel so calm when I am around you. And even the thought of touching anyone else is nothing short of repulsive” I said, hugging her, making her sit next to me.

“But this is wrong baby. If we both know that we are not yet ready for a relation, don’t you think that we should at least give it shot? Trying to move ahead? You can’t imagine the guilt at times. And if I was doing this with someone else, sleeping with him, not being his girlfriend, I would have felt really cheap about myself” she said.

“I guess you’re right. I know what you mean. Okay let’s try. Let’s try to move on. ‘cause we don’t have a single shot being together in future, then why to be a hung up.” I said, looking at her, thinking, would I have to let this one go?

“Don’t be so sure what future holds for us. No one predicted that we both could be together, ever. We did. And no one predicted that we’re ever going to break up. We did. Let’s just say, I hope the future is better than the present.” She said, with tears slowly rolling down her cheeks.

This is what happened at a mere thought of not being together.