Bad days spare none. But it takes a
turn for worse when every decision taken by you turns out to be a regrettable
one, for days, weeks and months altogether. When getting up in the morning with songs of bliss
ends with a song of melancholy, these bad days are here to stay.
Incidents and accidents that make you
make a mockery of yourself are not too amusing if you yourself are the one
bearing the brunt. This time, I happened to be on the wrong end of the stick.
I was bed ridden. Plagued with one
sickness or the other, with sense of depression being the hard hitter, I hadn’t
felt loneliness to this extent.
Though Tej, Roshan and Mazin were a
usual sight at my home now, cheering me up, keeping my mind busy and also
keeping me updated about the ‘current events’ of the college, the rest of the
days, and anytime I would get when sleep eluded me, all I inadvertently did was
to lose myself in the ocean of memories, blind to see that waves can stay calm
only for so long.
Relationships are apparently not too
hard to maintain if you are with the right person.
Finding the right person on the other
hand is, however a task.
My ‘perfect’ relationship had reached a
critical stage now. The honeymoon period was comparatively long-lived, but yet
it was now over, and here I was, at my weakest. My strength, out there
attending her classes, unable to share her pain, seeing me harmed and damaged.
But this love had shown another face
recently.
The minor cracks that were earlier seen
as ‘bonding agents’ of any relationship were now seeping with jealousy and
possessiveness from both the sides. The fights and feuds, getting worse by the
day.
Life is not all about making the right
decisions. It is about playing a hunch at times too, making the wrong ones on
the way as well, and learning from your mistakes, accepting them, and then not
instantly but surely forgiving yourself.
One such instant was this.
“She likes you.” Lia said, looking at a
message from Soundarya.
“Really? How do you know that now?” I
asked, hiding my proud smile.
“It’s pretty evident. Don’t ask how I
know. I just do.” She replied, dejected.
“Well, doesn’t matter.” I replied.
Obviously it mattered! The girl’s name
itself meant beautiful and divine!
••
Sun smiling at the city from behind the
clouds, with roads still wet from night’s downpour, and the sweet smell of mud
and grass filling in the atmosphere, a new day dawned upon us. Something was in
store for me today.
Soundarya, along with Roshan, surprised
me with a visit.
Making Roshan busy with the latest
video games, ‘Sound’ (as we called her) and I settled in a quiet corner of the
room.
After rounding up the formal greetings
and too anxious to put it out in open, I asked her, “Sound, do you like me?”
“Of course! You are a wonderful person.
A great friend who stands by all his friends as well. Who wouldn’t like you?”
“Well, thanks. But you know what I
meant. Do you like me? I mean, the attraction… do you have any towards me?”
That came out so wrong! That’s what I
meant, but saying it seemed so stupid!
With her chuckling quietly, hoping
Roshan wouldn’t notice any of this, she nodded in a yes.
As if forty-eight thousand mgs of
medicines per day weren’t enough to make me fuddle, a beautiful girl sat in
front of me, telling me that she was attracted to me.
To add to this, my relation with Lia
had hit a rough patch.
With the outer world hazed out in a
make believe blanket, I leaned forward, as I kissed her, and jerked back as
quickly as it happened, to begin with.
All the reasons I could give for this,
be it inebriated with medication, or tired of the daily fights, or anything
else I could think off, were in one word, stupid.
I had just cheated on Lia.
No excuse I gave could justify my
deeds. It was wrong. No it wasn’t Soundarya’s fault, neither was it Lia’s. If
it was anybody’s mistake, it was all mine.
Six in the evening, and it was time for
Roshan and Soundarya to head to their respective homes.
Time was playing tricks on me, passing
by too slow and yet too quick. As if forcing me to think upon what I had just
done, and yet giving me no time to decide how to act on this.
Filled with guilt, it got hard to gulp
down even a glass of water. Medicines which I had now gotten used to, seemed
bitter than ever.
I had just broken the trust of a girl
who trusted me with her life, literally. I knew I could not keep it in me that
when I started breaking sweat at the very thought of my deception.
The wrong had been done. It was time to
man up, and face the ‘backlash’.
Perplexed and dubious, with but obvious
doubts, I braced myself as the worst part of the day was yet to come.
I had been in severe pain for months
now, and Lia loved me too much to see it.
Trying to stand-by me all the while
took its toll on her, and it was only a matter of time that she could no more
stay with a positive perspective towards life.
With her being over cautious about
everything all the time, and getting negative by the day, every small incident…
every issue was exaggerated to an excruciating level.
The issue at hand was, however, a big
one. My fears were very real. But living a lie was the option that didn’t
exist, and thus came the time to confess. All this had happened, and happened
in two hours.
“Lia, there’s something I need to tell
you.” I said, with my now normal tipsy tone.
“Wait, I have to tell you something! Do
you know what happened today in college? I was going to the canteen whe…”
“Please let me say it!” I said,
interrupting her.
She, taken aback by this, and knew at
that instant that something was wrong.
“I have to say it today, ‘cause if I
don’t, I’d die inside with all the guilt and shame.
I continued, as her eyes got wider with
every word I spoke.
“Soundarya came today to visit me. And
I did something wrong.”
“What happened? What did you do? Why
have you paused!? Tell me!” she said, getting hyper.
“I’m really sorry. And I really love
you.” I said, with eyes filled with tears and throat choking.
“Don’t mince your words. Come straight
to the point Suraj.”
“I kissed her. It was a less than half
a second kiss literally. But that’s what happened.” I sat with my face in my
palms, not able to look at her and control my tears.
There was supposed to be an explosion
there. I felt something too gentle, on my head, ruffing up my hair instead.
“It’s okay. Happens. I can understand.
I’ve been through it when I had my first relation as well. You are really high
right now, and made a wrong call. You made a brave move telling me though. And
I know you really love me. Or else you would have done anything you wished and
I wouldn’t have ever gotten to know anything about it. But if you have to forgive
yourself, then promise yourself to never, ever, ever cheat on your love again.
Tomorrow maybe it will not be me, but whoever it is, don’t cheat on her no
matter what happens.”
“I promise.” That’s all I could say to
her, wondering what happened, and in a way, happy to know what I had.
